Screamed of His Heart
by forbrighterdays
Summary: Before, when she had come here, she had been looking for something. That is no longer the case. Blair tried to not think of Nate again, but he had always been a recurring subject. NB future.


**Okay, **so basically this story is a crazy mess, and I'm sorry for any incorrect tenses thoughout. The idea(s) came to me in so many different ways and yeah, I'm not quite sure how I feel about it, but I do like it enough to finish it and be thankful. This one goes out to all the NB!book shippers who have just had their hearts crushed over that book. It sucks a whole fucking lot, right? /end emo. I didn't actually read the book or buy it, but I've flipped through enough of it to have some basis as to what was going on, so the things that happen in the story revolve around the book a bit. The title comes from a Laura Marling song, _Typical_, which is just fantastic so you should listen to it, and the song in italics is _Waking up to Us_ by Belle and Sebastian. Well enjoy! (:

-

**Screamed of His Heart**

_She was the one love of my life, and I let her go  
__And if I look like death today; then please let her know  
__I never wanted to do harm to her  
__I only wanted her to see the beauty of the world surrounding her  
__But when she opened up her eyes  
__It's much too late; our chance has gone_

_-_

Blair Waldorf doesn't really know what she's doing back in New York for her third consecutive break from school. Her dysfunctional family is a country away now, enjoying their summer in the California heat. She guesses that she can pass off her constant presence in the city to the fact that this is her home, and the shopping is fabulous, but she's not sure how long that ruse will hold up, even in her own head.

Before, when she had come here, she had been looking for something, _someone_. That is no longer the case.

She doesn't think she would mind much if that certain thing found her, but she's not going to be proactively looking for it. Not for a long time.

Her first few days are spent in bliss. Being by herself had never been this peaceful. She stayed in a different hotel every few days, and is already working on doubling her shoe collection.

It wasn't until her second week in the city that she caught a glimpse of the one person she wasn't in the mood to see. He was with some friends at the bar in Butter and she was down a few people enjoying her dinner.

They were laughing and joking around, and although she didn't want him to see her, she couldn't take her eyes off of the back of his head, all the while hoping that he wouldn't be able to sense her gaze.

"So where's that hot chick you've been going out with?"

She hoped it wasn't Nate that the question was directed at, but of course, it was he who answered.

"Oh, she had to fly out to California. We're not dating though, she's just a friend."

_Serena_. Blair seethed. Of course Nate would be spending time with the _actress._

"Yeah, sure, she's sexy as hell. No way would any straight dude be just 'friends' with her."

"No, really man, friends. That's it."

"You have tapped that before though, right?" The persistent friend asked.

Blair could almost picture the characteristic way Nate would have rolled his eyes as she heard him tell the guys that he had 'tapped that,' - as they had so eloquently put, - many times before. Multiple times.

As Blair rolled her eyes, she took a big gulp of her vodka tonic and tried to remain calm. She knew that there was nothing for her to do in this situation other than leave with a minimal Nate fix or start a scene, and she wasn't about to look like the woman scorned. She took a deep breath and reemerged herself in the conversation, straining to hear what one of the other guys was saying.

"What are you going to do then?" She heard Nate's voice ask.

"I don't really know, I'm actually getting tired of the city. The girls here are so predictable. Hooking up isn't fun like it used to be anymore."

Nate laughed, "yeah, I've been thinking of getting out of town for a while now. There's nothing here for me, you know?"

"Exactly," the friend replied.

"Hell, let's go then. My parents have a house up in Maine. It's great at this time of year, the water's perfect for sailing, and there's a shit load of hot girls."

"Alright," the guys all echoed in reply.

"Awesome," Nate said, and he and his group moved their topic of discussion onto what they'd be doing in Maine and how long they'd be staying there. It wasn't something Blair was the least bit interested in, so she threw a hundred down on the counter and walked out of the restaurant.

-

Blair tried to not think of Nate again, but her lonely Friday night left her mind wandering, and he had always been a recurring subject.

She wondered what he was up to, and if he had arrived in Maine yet.

None of her favorite movies were on, and she didn't have anyone to go out with for the night. Bars were becoming tiring and the city was proving to be a very boring place when you had no one to share the experience with.

At 9:34 she found herself walking the streets of Manhattan; the one place she'd ever felt at peace with. She knew exactly where she was, just not of where she was going. Passing by familiar places she is reminded of all the good times she used to spend with Nate and Serena. None of that matters anymore, but it was still nice to have fond memories. It didn't take long, but before she knew it, she was standing in front of the Archibald townhouse.

She hadn't been planning on coming here, but once she was on the front stoop it all seemed so obvious. Of course she would come to this place, one where she had spent countless nights and family dinners. All for one boy.

He wasn't there at the moment, so that made it all the more perfect.

Miraculously, the housekeeper seemed to remember her, so no explanation was needed when she walked into the foyer. It didn't matter that none of the homeowners were around; once a welcomed guest, always a welcomed guest.

Blair walked up the stairs slowly, taking in the surroundings that had always been so familiar to her. And finally, when she stepped inside the entryway of the last room on the right, she felt more at home than she had felt in a lifetime.

Everything was almost as she had had remembered it, and she busied herself with snooping through the drawls and poking through boxes he had from storage. She wasn't expecting it to creep up on her, not here of all places, but when she opened the perfectly neat garment bag hanging on the back of Nate's closet door, she was met with the sight of the green cashmere sweater she had given him years ago.

Her world stopped momentarily as she ran her fingers over the still-soft fabric. Letting the feeling take her mind back to a time where everything had been all right.

She gingerly took the sweater out of the bag and carried it over to Nate's bed in her arms. She wasn't sure what she was doing there at all, or why she was currently on Nate's bed with his sweater, but it felt right.

"Blair, what are you doing here?" A voice called out to her.

He didn't seem shocked, not even a little, just curious. He wasn't looking at her like she wasn't supposed to be in the city at all, much less his room, instead he looked at her like she had never left. Maybe she hadn't.

Blair jumped up from the bed, startled by Nate's sudden presence. "You weren't supposed to be here." She said quickly.

"Yeah, but I am."

"I can see that, but I heard you saying you were getting out of the city for a while."

"But I decided to stay," he replied, overlooking the fact that there was no way that she could have heard him say anything.

"Oh, well I'll just be going then. Sorry."

"Wait, you can stay. I'm not kicking you out."

"No, really, I have to go."

"Then why were you here?" He questioned. That was the one thing that always puzzled him about girls. Blair in particular. They never really said what was going on.

"No reason." She said as she smiled her Cheshire smile.

"You were on my bed." He said, pointing to the spot where her small body had just occupied.

She nodded, "I know, but I was a mistake coming here. I thought I was looking for something when I actually wasn't."

He allowed her to make it to his bedroom door before deciding to say anything.

"I'm sorry about Serena. On New Year's. She told me she saw you, uh, crying."

A beat. She wasn't offering anything to the conversation, so he continued.

"You were with some guy. Pete?"

"Yeah," she replied as she relinquished her hold on the doorknob. "But it doesn't matter anymore," spinning to face him, "he broke up with me when I told him we were together last Christmas."

"Oh, I'm sorry."

"No, you're not, but it doesn't really matter now, does it? I hope you and Serena are happy."

"Blair," he said quietly, pausing because he wasn't quite sure of what to say.

"It's always her, isn't it? You can't ever just be fucking happy with me, is that right?"

"That's not it at all. It was New Year's! Jesus Blair. You weren't around and –"

"Don't you dare pretend you wanted me. You know that's a lie."

"It's not, I've missed you. I'm sorry, okay? I wanted to be with you the whole time"

"Is that your go-to line? I know I've heard it one to many times at this point."

"It's the truth though."

"It's not. If it were then you would have called me and asked how I was doing. You would have done something. Not once have I heard from you since least year, and then I get home to see you with Serena _again. _What the hell, Nate?"

He remained silent, half knowing that she wouldn't listen to anything he had to say anyway.

"Over and over again, can you ever just make a decision? Did you sleep with her too? Hook up just like we did last year?"

The answer was yes, but he wasn't about to give her the satisfaction of verbally confirming that she was right.

She laughed a hard sarcastic laugh, not amused in the least.

"I guess I should really be surprised though, I mean she _was _your first."

"Are we really back to that then?"

"Looks like it," she smiled back maliciously.

"Unbelievable," Nate muttered, running his fingers through his hair.

Blair laughed again, rolling her eyes.

"Okay, I don't have time for this, so I'm just going to go. I don't think I'll be coming back for a while either; so don't wait up for me or, you know, miss me while you're with Serena. You made your decision, so you can fuck off."

"Blair, don't go."

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't." She challenged.

"Because I love you and if you give me the chance to make my decision, it'll be you, every single day. There's nothing for me when your not around, and I know I've screwed up too many times, but if you'll stay I can show you that there will never be anyone else."

The words were perfect, just like a scripted pronunciation of love. Just the way she'd dreamed, but never quite in this circumstance, or with these particular characters as leads.

"How can I believe you though?"

"You just have to. Can you try, at least?"

Blair looked down at her feet as Nate held his breath. Her decision wouldn't have to be so thought out if he had been the guy she's always wanted him to be. That had always been their problem though, and Nate had always had difficulties meeting expectations.

"You'd have to really prove it to me." She replied, bringing her eyes up to meet his. "I'm not taking you back for no reason, and you're not going to break my heart again, or I swear to God, Nate Archibald, you will be faced with some serious consequences."

"So that's a yes?" He smiled.

"No, that's a 'we'll see.' You're on probation. You're lucky I love you so much, or else you wouldn't have had a chance in hell at another chance. You really hurt me last time, Nate. I know you know that, but I want to make sure you don't forget it."

"I won't, I promise. I know and I'm sorry."

He walked over to her cautiously, judging his next move by her reaction. He really wanted to kiss her, but knew she probably wouldn't go for it. Once he reached her he wrapped his arms around her lithe torso and nuzzled his face in her hair. God, how he had missed the smell.

"I won't do anything to lose you this time."

She smiled as she kissed him lightly on the lips, "you better be sure of it."


End file.
